"Gladys Defies PC Laws"
"CRUNCHBUTTOCK IN TROUBLE YET AGAIN WITH ITALIAN
LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS"
Monday 14th September
This was the headline in the Kidderminster Shuttle, The Beano and the Bewdley WI (Department of Multi-Lingual Origami Training) Gazette.
Whilst on her usual visit to the stall she ran for her friend Dame Hilda Strutspringle on the beach selling wellingtons, pork scratchings, scaffolding, packets of used paper hankies (Only Used Once, honest) and the XXXXXXXX size single occupancy Portaloos with the step ladder and reinforced concrete seats for the larger lady.
The square footballs that were proving very popular since Brexit with pictures of the President of the EU Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy stuck to each side so that every time you kicked the ball you could shout "Gotcha you useless bastard".
And naturally with some of her home made jam. (Today's was spaghetti and marmalade with Brazil nuts following a recipe given to her by her friend Belinda Smyth-Whitley-Snotcrutch) and of course her pamphlets with the words to the first 847 verses of Jerusalem. Keen to get started Gladys had failed to notice she had reversed into a large road sign advising bathers:
EU DIRECTIVE 68 MILLION AND FOUR, PARAGRAPH 803,
SUB-SECTION 24 AND A HALF, CHAPTER 87
"HEALTH AND SAFETY"
BEWARE
THIS SEAWATER CONTAINS SEAWATER
Keeping her opinions to herself on the usefulness of this advice (She had always done so as not to attract the attention of the local Guardia Di Political Correctness In A Public Place ..........
They had once nicked her for not saying "Please" before asking a gang of nice young three year old's to stop kicking her in the head with their ruby encrusted pink Doc Martins, (These should in fact have been emeralds which were standard gang colours like last year but their leader Mariana Gangstrumple had decided that rubies went better with their new gang issue dummies, pierced nose rings and skull and cross bones tattoo's on each cheek.
Gladys had had to go to each of the children's homes and apologise and even had to buy some of them a new machete which they'd dropped when running off in their 3 litre turbo charged push chairs chanting their gang anthem of Goo Goo f***ing Ga Ga, Goo Goo f***ing Ga Ga.
Putting these thoughts to one side she decided there wasn't much damage to the sign, just needed a bit of dirt rubbed in and a touch of paint to cover over the crack along the bottom, she was certain no one would notice it until she went home later so she set about unloading everything for the stall.
By lunchtime she'd sold 168 pairs of the wellies to those who had read the warning sign and who were still wondering what else could seawater contain other than f***ing seawater and so played it safe by putting them on before going for a paddle.
The scaffolding was proving difficult to shift, for some reason most of those interested felt that the elastic bands she'd used to fit it all together with wasn't the same as using steel bolts, maybe she should change the colour of elastic bands, say a nice red that would match the blood if anyone fell off.
The pork scratchings were quite popular with the mothers who had young babies after Gladys had explained that at their annual International Conference in Bewdley last year The WI heard a talk from a lady from Ashby Dela Zouch who had explained the many benefits to young babies being given pork scratchings, as well as helping the development of strong teeth it kept the little buggers quiet for hours.
XXXX Large Port-a loo
Gladys had to give away some of the packets of used paper hankies (Only used once, honest), to several of the slimmer larger ladies who came out of the Portaloos crying and screaming "And I've only just had me bleedin pubes permed" after lifting a cheek to get more comfortable, had slid off the reinforced concrete seats into the bowl itself.
She'd sold all the square footballs and could hear the pleasing shouts of "Gotcha you you useless bastard" all over the beach.
Her home made jam had mixed results when some of her customers said they might break their teeth on the Brazil nuts that were still in their shells. Just being picky really Gladys thought, nevertheless she would give Belinda Smyth-Whitley- Snotcrutch a call later and ask what she thought about cracking the shelves first.
And getting anyone to join her in singing Jerusalem was next to impossible. Most of those around were on the floor laughing themselves into fits as she squawked on so badly out of tune they thought she was trying to impersonate a Gnu doing something obscene to a Hippopotamus. She's given up trying to sing and had to give away the rest of the used paper hankies (Only used once, honest), and all her pamphlets with the words to the first 847 verses of Jerusalem to mop up the tears of laughter that threatened to create a lake the size of Loch Ness.
Gladys decided she'd had enough for one day, packed all the stuff she had left into the car and was about to drive away when suddenly a beige coloured van with 300 blue flashing lights and a siren belting out "STOP CRIMINAL" pulled in front of her packed with what looked like a gang of shop window dummies in very unfashionable beige uniform's with orange flashing lights spelling out ......
"The Guardia Di Political Correctness In A Public Place. Hit Unit 9"
They were clearly having a problem getting out of the van, every time one of them put a foot on the pavement he pulled it back in and said to the the one behind:
"I'm awfully sorry it wasn't my place to get out before you, you're 35 seconds older than me and we must always avoid the possibility that a member of the public may indeed interpret this as an example of Ageism".
The man he'd spoken to clipped the other round the ear and said
"You bloody silly son of a Whippet Strangler's mother. When apologising you do not say "awfully" on Mondays, only Thursdays and Saturdays when there's an R in the month in a leap year, got it? Now say it again properly.". "I'm very ...", "Stop you bloody cretin no very's on a Monday you soddin pillock, that's only at Easter and Christmas Day you useless brother of a Giraffe's Hair Stylist". The other man then started to apologise again and managed to do so without using the words "Awfully" or "Very".
The one who appeared to be in charge finally got out of the van and carefully checked the others as they left, twice he stopped someone and said ...."Get back in there you bleedin moron it's not a bloody Thursday".
Finally when everyone was out of the van he went round to the driver's window of the van.
.... and I believe we should set an example to the public that we are not about to exceed the rules, now off you go. Oh yea and bring us back 68 pizzas 92 bottles of wine and 605 bottles of beer, but make sure it's dark so none of the bloody public can see you, or that prat Van Rumpy Pumpy who's staying up at the villa with Don Davido Cameroon Di Twoface".
Capitano Di Jumped-Up Boring Nerdface
Returning to his men Capitano Di Jumped-Up Boring Nerdface turned and glared at Gladys and announced loudly
"Please .... oops sorry I'm not supposed to use that word on a Monday, I'd very much ...... oh bugger I said very again".
"Now, Oh Human of Undefined Gender, Race, Religion, Height, Weight, Inside Leg Measurement , Nail Varnish Colour, or Member of Bewdley Book Club and or not Bewdley WI Origami Division" ....
(As he went on he kept thinking for his children's sake and his own sanity don't say bloody please again now you've got this far), ....
"Will you get out of your vehicle, left leg and right arm first as per order 4 million and 9 of the Health and Safety Act, 2016 edition paragraph 92, subsection 6 entitled "Correct Procedure for Exiting A Red Vehicle on a Monday ..... (For blue or other colours refer to section 6.4 "SPECIAL NEEDS" (Bugger it he'd nearly said please again, follow the damned training camp manual), ..... nail varnish first, little finger left hand".
"Bollocks" thought Gladys, as she took the elastic band off the parrot's beak and said into it's hearing aid which he had to wear these days after all that bloody roaring he'd had to do the week before for the Guardia Da bloody Beach,"Get ready".
Gladys's Ferrari
She then got out of the car almost as instructed but unfortunately caught her left hand on the cocktail cabinet she'd had fitted on the dashboard instead of all those silly dials, who needed a speedometer when the legal limit was only one and three-quarters MPH? Having caught her hand on the cocktail cabinet which caused Gladys to fall backwards and get her ankle stuck in that hand strap thing above the window she started to romance
"Mmmmmm Oh Yes Albert tie the other one up as well" popped into her head reminding her that these days she wasn't quite so supple.
She quickly put those lascivious thoughts to the back of mind, untangled her ankle and fell out of the car. She stood up and glared at the row of beige ....
"Alright what do you lot want? I've had a bad day and I've still got to get rid of this soddin scaffolding, so what are you after eh?"
"You're not here about me taking off me flashing bloody Barbed Wrye and Ice Cream identity tag again are you? I was only doing me Yoga with our Goat Anthea in the rose bushes last night and the bleedin Ice Cream keeps melting and running into me soddin truss.
Besides Albert can't do his "Warrior Pose On A Lettuce Leaf " or his "Downward Dog Pose With Double Twist, And Triple Somersault Piked" with me wearing it, it's the flashing lights, puts him right off his stroke poor thing
"So if it's not that what is it? I'm fed up standing around here looking at an excuse for a row of Pickled Onion Addicts who've lost their bleedin vinegar".
Gladys in a Temper
"Do you know who we are Madam" said SS chief Nerdface, "Do you know the trouble you're in, mmm? Just look at the damage you've done to that EU directive sign, go on look at it. You could be be doing 20 years in the Welsh Broccoli mines for that, or even the David Cameroon School of Gay Marriage for Single Sex Chocolate Biscuits ".
"Hang on sunshine" Gladys said "I ain't going there just for denting your stupid f***ing sign, all that Eton Brylcreem running down over his rouge and staining his teeth. No way Snowdrop, I'd sooner work at the BBC, at least they don't show pictures of dangerous things like Asparagus that can distort a child's mind on the TV any more.
At this clear violation of the PC laws chief Nerdface felt he had no choice but to order his team to open fire with their standard issue Polynesian Custard Cream AK47's, but just as he was about to give the order to kill without using the words Awfully or Very because it was a Monday, there was the voice of the parrot.
"Watch it you lot, she's a black belt 9th dan in Origami and she's got 3 razor sharp Poppies, a bloody Chrysanthemum and she put her knickers on the right way round today and she's tooled up to the hilt with the jar of Cannabis,Vodka and Celery jam AND the multi layered Coronation sponge topped with the beef and custard gravy with a sprinkling of caterpillar droppings, you haven't got a hope in hell against her so if you value your lives ......... "
But it was too late, within seconds there were lifeless bits of beige every where.
Gladys moved her car forward 3 or 4 meters before reversing into the sign as fast and hard as she could before driving away delighted that all of the sign that remained was
EU OFF
Later she was watching the BBC News.
"The headlines tonight. The plight of two cardigans that had fallen in love with each other but couldn't get married was brought to the attention of Parliament today and although we are not allowed to show pictures of the cardigans themselves as some viewers may find it too disturbing, Jeremy Corbinski said when asked ...... "
Gladys threw another brick at the TV as she drank her tea while Albert was in the car fixing the new hand strap things with bungee ropes.
TO BE CONTINUED ........